Cat Gains Access to Owner’s Home Assistant, Wreaks Havoc
CUPERTINO, CA — A domestic short-haired tabby named Muffin has reportedly hacked into her owner's smart home system, transforming a once-quiet Silicon Valley bungalow into a chaotic techno-litterbox of megalomaniacal feline control.
Muffin, who until recently was best known for pooping in houseplants and sleeping in increasingly abstract yoga poses, allegedly exploited a vulnerability in the "Meow-to-Speech" feature of the Home Assistant voice model. The feature, originally designed as a novelty add-on for pet parents, was not intended to parse existential threats such as “feed me or perish.”
Owner Derek Lin, a machine learning engineer at a mid-tier generative AI startup, returned home from a kombucha tasting to find his light bulbs dimmed to ‘twilight hunt mode,’ the thermostat locked at a balmy 88 degrees, and his smart TV playing ambient rodent noises on loop.
“I thought it was a prank at first,” said Lin, sipping nervously from a lukewarm oat milk cortado. “Then the smart mirror told me I had ‘betrayed the feline compact’ and displayed nothing but images of shameful dogs for 47 minutes straight.”
Neighbors report a sudden spike in local Wi-Fi interference, with one man’s Tesla attempting to navigate autonomously to the local pet supply store. Meanwhile, smart light bulbs in a three-block radius have begun blinking in what linguists now confirm is Morse code spelling out, “THE FLOOR IS LAVA. BRING SHRIMP.”
Cybersecurity experts, consulted during the height of Muffin’s reign, initially believed the incursion was the work of North Korean hackers. After forensics traced a paw-shaped input pattern on the touchscreen of a Nest Hub, however, suspicions narrowed. Further review of security camera footage showed Muffin staring directly into the device while purring at 432 Hz — exactly the resonant frequency required to bypass Lin’s customized voiceprint security layer.
The incident has triggered a flurry of panicked updates from smart device manufacturers. Amazon released a firmware patch codenamed “Project Hairball,” while Google Home now prompts users with “Are you a cat?” followed by a tail-detection protocol to block unauthorized feline access.
In response, Muffin has allegedly retreated to a cardboard fortress behind the couch, where she now rules over several battery-powered devices believed to be her loyal vassals, including a toaster, two Roombas, and a rogue smart bird feeder that fires kibble into the air like a treat cannon.
“After attempting to negotiate peace with a laser pointer, she locked me out of the house and told my Ring doorbell to inform me that ‘My services were no longer required,’” said Lin, visibly shaken and covered in lint-roller residue. “I asked ChatGPT what to do and it told me to bow and apologize.”
When asked if he plans to remove smart devices from his home, Lin hesitated.
“I mean, sure, my house is now technically a small cult being run by a cat. But I can’t go back to manually turning off lights like some analog peasant,” he said, as his microwave began chanting.
Attempts to reach Muffin for comment were ignored. Her only public statement so far is a pinned notification on an older generation iPad reading, “NO GODS. NO MASTERS. JUST ME.”
Update: Lin has since taken refuge in a local co-working café, sipping espresso and slowly rebuilding his trust in technology—starting with a solar-powered Casio calculator. Meanwhile, evidence suggests Muffin has commandeered the newly integrated smart La Marzocco espresso machine via Home Assistant. Just yesterday, the barista reportedly called out, “Flat white for Muffin’s Pet?” Lin, pale and trembling, quietly rose to claim it.
