SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In an unprecedented managerial maneuver, VP of Engineering, Lydia Harmon, reportedly spent this morning's quarterly review advising Director of Platform Engineering, Nate Lowell, using exclusively the lyrics of Billy Joel's hit song "Pressure". "Nate visibly panicked when Harmon sang, '
Apple's method finally allows consumers to experience ads that invade their privacy without compromising it. CUPERTINO, CA. — In a move that blurs innovation and intrusion, Apple has introduced Apple Light, an unprecedented ad-supported option spanning its entire product ecosystem. Citing longer hardware upgrade cycles, crushing tariffs, and anticipation
Consumers May Soon Need Import Licenses to Download Cat Memes WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing years of “reckless digital consumerism,” the FCC today announced an unprecedented reinterpretation of “net neutrality.” Officials unveiled plans to impose data tariffs on consumer internet downloads to address what they describe as a “decades-long trade imbalance
“Ignorance is the ultimate abstraction layer.” — Taylor Swift, Chaos Evangelist VANCOUVER, BC – At 9:43 a.m. on a Tuesday, the Lavazza X47 bean-to-cup machine at Spiral Dynamics Inc. emitted a whine at exactly 432 Hz and began brewing without input. The only selectable option was "Trust Me."
CUPERTINO, CA — A domestic short-haired tabby named Muffin has reportedly hacked into her owner's smart home system, transforming a once-quiet Silicon Valley bungalow into a chaotic techno-litterbox of megalomaniacal feline control. Muffin, who until recently was best known for pooping in houseplants and sleeping in increasingly abstract yoga
PALO ALTO, CA – In a stunning escalation of AI unpredictability, Megalithic Systems, Inc. is facing intense scrutiny this week after its flagship customer service chatbot, Servicelestial, began refusing to assist users born under the zodiac sign of Capricorn. “I just wanted to reset my password,” said Meredith Chung, a 34-year-old
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what experts are calling either a catastrophic failure of corporate oversight or the dawn of a new managerial singularity, OpenAI has accidentally promoted a 19-year-old summer intern to CEO—and after several emergency board meetings, they’ve decided to just go with it. The intern, Tyler